I just finished my first year of proper labour for money work. And looking at my monthly expenses, I'm having a gigantic headache. Thankfully, I'm in a profession that offers a lot of comfort. The only thing that I have to worry about is how much I get to save. Many people I believe, do not get to save much. I don't know how to feel about it. Some people save more than me, I have great envy for that.
Over the weekend, I attended Tania de Rozario's "And the Walls Come Crumbling Down" book launch. I had to rush out of the office quickly to attend this event punctually.
Work.
She's a lovely lady. Full of life. On surface value, I would never be able to imagine that this bubble girl wrote such a heart wrenching autobiographical account of her adult life. I shall not attempt to write a book review here because I really hate writing those at a time like this (right before I plunge into the comforts of my bed). I cannot imagine myself being in her situation. Her "adult life" was one filled with loneliness and this uncertain concept of home seemed to haunt her for years and years. But looking at her literary achievements now, perhaps leaving was the best decision she can make for herself. In Singapore, there is a great discourse surrounding the idea of home. However, this imagination of "home" is one that is filled with happiness and warmth. Which can be rather exclusive for people who do not have excess to such a lifestyle. Homes can be corrosive for some people, and leaving homes to find their tribes is more important. There is after all, no fixed rules in the world. Reminds me of this RuPaul interview that I watched yesterday.
As I work my way into the second year of my career, I start to have a lot of doubtful feelings about this industry. It is one that requires me to commit ninety percent of my time. I am certainly not willing to do this given how my aspirations are far and wide. I wrote in my little book of musings today about the things that I want to become. An artist, a writer, a traveller, a professor... There are a few more. I have been stalling my dreams for quite a while now because I am generally lazy and full of false optimism that there is a lot of time left at my disposal. But another reason that I have come to subscribe to is the merciless overhaul of my time by this career. This job leaves no time for me to do the things that I would like to do.
I would like to make a difference some day. It will never come if I'm always doing something.
As I come to meet more people, people like Koh Jee Leong (who wrote the really intelligent "Payday Loans" and "Steep Tea"), it became more apparent to me that I have to START. I have to write. I have to get started. Even Samuel is off to a great start now. 600 or so days of ploughing through the sea of designers and artists, he now has a kicking magazine website. A casual conversation with a random colleague made me think about the inertia that I have, because of my work and my personality. I have been yielding to my laziness that I have not been creating anything of value to the world. I should be yielding to my love for the world to generate outputs that I can share.
And I think too much. Not the intelligent sparring of thoughts. Not those kind. I waste too much time thinking about silly details. When I should be WRITING and DOING. Sigh. Nope, no sigh. I should not be sighing because sighing is for people who have a great deal of the world disappoint them. I have not done anything to warrant any disappointment.
I've just been doing a lot of reading. This is something that I can be proud of. Over the past seven weeks, I've completed 8 books (yay) and I'm starting on my 9th today.
- The Course of Love by Alain de Botton
- Steep Tea by Koh Jee Leong
- Death of a Perm Sec by Wong Souk Yee
- Harry Potter and the Cursed Child by JK Rowling
- Peculiar Chris by Johann S Lee
- And the Walls Come Crumbling Down by Tania de Rozario
- The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
- Now That It's Over by O Thiam Chin
This is a mini achievement for myself because I never believed myself to be a quick reader nor an industrious reader. I'm immensely proud of myself for gathering the patience and conviction to read. Reading made me realise that I can put out thoughts into words too. And best if I can fill up the gaps of the local literary scene in the form of writing. But that's a big project for another day. I feel more enriched by reading than anything else I've done in my own leisure time to be honest.
Regarding the adult things that we are forced to do, I feel that this is a rather dreary topic which is going on in everyone's mind. I just don't want to be the kind of people who gets bogged down by all these that they become joyless. That would be the worst thing that can happen.
A lot of thinking to do. A lot of actions need to take place too. Love.
PS Pardon my bad english and bad grammar. I did not run a check post writing.
No comments:
Post a Comment